I'll be okay.

You know when you read someone's blog and it's all happy, all the time, and you ask yourself, "Is this for real?" Well, usually it's not. Usually there's more going on behind the scenes that we don't like to talk about. We like to appear happy and perfect and shiny.

So here's the "real"... I looked at Chris the other day and asked, "I wonder if this is what depression feels like?" I'm blue. I'm sad. I'm frustrated because I'm blue and sad for no reason. It doesn't have to do with my baby or my kids. I mean, really, look at these faces....

 

The kids are great. I love them with everything in me. I know I'm a great mom. I'm letting go of the mama guilt that tells me I shouldn't let my kids watch this much tv or we should be outside more or we should change out of our jammies everyday.

But yet, I'm just sad. I cry a lot. I'm 90% sure it's just hormones working their way out, but the 10% questions if it is something more. Don't worry - if it doesn't pass, I will talk to someone. I've got a great support system and I am okay, but I'm just sad.

I'm struggling because I am still infected from my c-section which in my head constantly reminds me that I didn't get the birth I wanted. I'm still sore and on my second set of antibiotics and not recovering as fast as I feel I should be. This is frustrating.

Despite eating healthy, I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and now I'm stuck in a body that I don't feel comfortable in. I realize it's only been a month and I did bring a healthy, amazing, wonderful human being into the world, but this is definitely a struggle.  

 I fight that small voice inside my head that whispers lies that I am unworthy, the voice that tells me I should be embarrassed and convinces me to stay home, rather than going out. Home is my safe place. I honestly would love to stay in the house and not leave for days. That same voice tells me that I'm not good enough to be someone's friend.

 But, I fight. I pray. I cry. I talk about it. Oy vey, I talk about it. But I'm not together right now. I'm a million little piece all held together with tape and glue and it doesn't take much for me to come apart. But I'm trying. By writing this, I'm acknowledging that life isn't perfect all the time and that's okay. I'm lucky to have a few friends check in daily and send me lovely texts and listen to me and understand me. I'm blessed to have a husband who cares and loves on me. We have been beyond blessed with meals as we've adjusted to life with a newborn. People are ridiculously kind.

And hopefully, soon, the clouds will break and that blue sky and sunshine will pour into my heart.

Until then, I will pour myself into my children and shower them with the love and kisses that they deserve. They make me better. They are my sunshine right now, when I look at myself and see the clouds. This is the real me, right now.