Mama's Heart

Each year, all I want on Mother's Day is a lovely family photo of me and my beautiful children. Each year, it resembles a goat rodeo and we need to take at least 43 pictures. But, despite the chaos we managed to get two decent ones.

2014:

These three are my life. They are nothing less than the most incredible people and I get to spend my days with them. I am in awe that I've been chosen to be their mother. Although I feel like I fail them over and over, I am so thankful for each and every new morning and the fact that their love is so unconditional. They won't remember the messy floors, less than stellar meals, piles of laundry and short tempers, but they will remember laughing until we pee, wrestling, reading, crafting and the endless hugs, kisses and "I love you's".

This journey isn't always easy, but I am so thankful that we get to do it together.

Speaking of a journey, let's take a look back through the years.

2013:

2012:

2011:

2010:

2009:

2008:

2007: (This one was take a few weeks before Mother's Day. My first Mother's Day with Chelsea was spent in the ER with a mysterious pain that turned out to be a ruptured appendix. This turned into a long hospital stay so I didn't get that official picture.)

Do you want to paint a birdhouse?

April 15, 2007 this beauty entered our lives. She is wicked smart, feisty, loving, cuddly and full of attitude. She craves independence and is a social butterfly. We love her more than words can say!

This year, she was adamant that I make her cakes, so she spent weeks searching the internet for pictures of cakes. She quickly figured out that if she asked for a doll cake that meant that she would get the doll as well as a cake. Smart girl. We had this cake at Grandma and Grandpa's.

For her birthday party with friends, she chose a Frozen themed party. I was excited because I adore parties, but I had to learn to hand over the reins as Chelsea wanted to take on more and more and help me, especially with her cake. She chose a cake again based on the fact that she would get the cheesy toys (which she hasn't played with yet) and wanted to help make it. She made all the trees, helped carve the big purple mountain and smeared the icing. All in all, it turned out okay, but I definitely would have chosen a different cake for her. Let it go, Amanda, let it go. ;)

Some fun details - melted snowman waterbottles and giant lollipops for favours. The kids also all painted birdhouses, which had nothing to do with the Frozen theme, but it was a great craft!

We ordered pizza, ate cake and opened presents. We then watched the movie Frozen, but note to self - don't ever plan a movie as a birthday party. No one really settled down, half the kids wanted to play and the other half just kept saying, "Shhh, be quiet!" I thought 13 kids painting would have been the most stressful part of the party, but I was wrong!

She said it was the best party ever, so I guess it all worked out. Happy #7 princess!

My cupcake

Working on a longer post, but had to share this picture. He's getting so big.

Surrounding myself with goodness

I've been thinking a lot about my life lately - Where I am at. What I am doing. How I am acting. How I am living. What I am pouring into my children. You know... all the easy life questions. ;)

I have been looking back over the past year and a half to two years. I was so unhappy in so many areas and constantly felt like I was searching and struggling. I've struggled with my identity in the past - trying to figure out how to please everyone around me. I was trying to be too many things to too many people. It was exhausting and unfulfilling. I found myself in some unsatisfying relationships that didn't make me feel valued, yet I was trying so hard to make them work. It felt like I was always chasing and falling just a few steps behind. I didn't like it.

So I took a step back, re-evaluated, and really thought about what I wanted life to look like, to feel like and to be like. I started to really pour myself into the good relationships that I have in my life - always starting first with my husband and my kids. This wasn't necessarily intentional; I didn't wake up every day thinking about who my friends are. I just really started to surround myself with goodness and good people.

A few quotes have really stuck with me lately.

"Everything is not equally important. Do fewer things and do them well." I've really taken this to heart in the past few years. I feel like I've really gotten better at this as I learn to say no, although I do feel that I have a ways to go still. I know that I have talents and skills and gifts that I could be using, but for now, I've had to tell myself, "no."  Too many of those things take away time from my family. Nope, I can't decorate elaborate cakes anymore. I can't whip up cupcakes every week to make some extra cash. I could choose to be busier at my store - it's easy, but nope. It's fun to motivate others and I'm passionate about the products and how weight loss can change lives, but I only set aside a few hours a week.

I told a friend the other day that I strive for consistency - both in my life and in my kids' lives. That might sound weird, but let me explain.

I like being consistent. I like being even-keeled. I want my kids to know that what to expect out of mommy. I'm passionate about a few things. I'm positive. I cook good meals. I'm even tempered. I love them with everything in me. I eat healthy, take care of my body and think exercise is important. I love reading and I love them reading. I love Jesus. I can't sing well, yet will sing often. I am caring and compassionate but yet I have strict rules and boundaries.

I like being consistent in my friendships. I like having a few close friends. I like being consistent - I want them to know that they are a priority and that I value them. These things don't change.

Then one night, I just sat down and started to take stock of all the amazing things that I have going on. It's so easy to be grateful. Life is so so good. So good.

I read a quote the other day, "Choose to be happy right where you are. Choose to have a good attitude with what you have or with what you don’t have. It’s all in your approach to life." This is so true and I'm definitely working at it. 

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are. - Marianne Williamson

Okay, this post has been alllllll over the map, but honestly, it's all just so good. Plus I wanted a post. Thoughts from me on a Monday night.

This guy...

What Chelsea had to say about her brother:

"Gavin is squishy and cute. He is the most fantastic brother (and Eli, to be exact.) I like to play Mario with Gavin, but lately, he never wants to play Mario with me anymore. I like to do crafts with him, but I don't like it when he snores. He does. A lot. He's like dad because dad snores a lot."

What I have to say:

Gavin is changing and growing up every day. No really, literally every single day it seems that his skills have changed. His fine motor skills have gotten so much better. He finally likes lego and totally blew me away the other day when he showed me a lego truck and trailer that he built. I had thought that Chris had done most of it and Gavin was quick to correct me and say, "Nope mom. I did it all - even turned the book pages of the manual." So good!

He is kind and loving, and is learning to assertively stand up to his much younger brother (who does have bully-ish tendencies.) He uses his words and doesn't automatically freak out when the situation doesn't go the way he wanted it to. This is a huge new development.

He's even started to do more colouring, drawing and writing. I saw a picture on the table, and again I asked Chris if he had drawn it. (Writing this out, I realize that I've now compared Chris' skills to that of a four year old a couple times this post. Ha!) Nope. It was all Gavin.

He has even taken initiative to go outside and play, with Chelsea and even alone. Alone. This is UNHEARD of. He was just beaming. I feel like we're really turning a corner with this guy. Which is fantastic because he's heading to Kindergarten in just a few months!



Writing

Okay, so I have this blog and it's really neglected, but I have big plans for it! Big! Huge! Okay, well maybe not so much, but soon I will be having a dear friend give it an overhaul and then maybe I'll feel more inspired. For now, I'll write about writing. Say what?

At work, we talk about how we want kids to view themselves as readers and writers as early as Kindergarten and Grade 1. We want them to develop a love for reading and a passion for writing. It made me question myself. Do I see myself as a reader? Sure. I like reading... you know, for the 12 minutes it takes me to fall asleep every night. In all seriousness, I love reading, moreso than watching movies or tv. It just seems that lately I don't have the time to do it as much as I'd like. When Chris and I go on vacations (you know, the two that we've taken in the past 10 years) I will often wake up just to read. My favourite summertime activity is to get all comfy in my zero gravity chair and bake in the sunlight while reading. I can't wait for this winter to end!

As for writing, well, I used to view myself as a writer. I really fell in love with writing in university. Being an English major, I wrote a lot. Essays were fun (I can say that now, safely, 10 years later without an assignment due date in sight), and don't even get me started on editing and revising. My deep, dark secret - I love editing. Once the bulk of the writing is done, then you get into the nitty, gritty. Playing with language? I love it.

I  did stretch myself a little and I took a creative writing class. It was tough for me. I always joke that I'm not creative. I just like copying. I loved writing though and started a livejournal which is basically a blog before blogging was cool. I love having that to look back on.

However, somewhere along the line, I've lost some of that passion for writing. Okay, I'm pretty sure it was on the line between baby #1 and baby #2. I've joked about how I lost my memory along with my placenta, and I'm still holding to that. (Wait, did I just say placenta on my blog? Jeez, what is this blog coming to?) I struggle with the purpose of writing. See? I really am a teacher to the core. I worry about things like the purpose of my writing. Why am I writing? I also really think about the my audience. Who am I writing to? Who am I writing for? Who reads this? Does that even matter?

I like writing. I think I'm funny. Lately, I've had a lot on my mind, and I've wanted to blog but then I wonder about who is reading it and then again I wonder why I care? Or should I write my blog if it isn't funny? Not every story can be about poop and other pleasantries.

Anyways, I've been thinking a lot about writing. I'll be back, sooner than later. I like knowing that people are still reading this. I like when people comment or send me a message that they still check in. Thanks for the lovin' and I'll be back soon!

Still around...

This has been the longest winter ever. I've been pretty quiet, I know, but there's really not a lot to say. Life is pretty sweet. This guy keeps me busy - busy! There's no sitting when he's awake, but just look at those big eyes.

 

And then there's these two - always cuddling and loving on each other, unless they are fighting. They were watching a movie while I was washing our bedding. Apparently the plain mattress was pretty exciting.

Joy

At this moment, I am sitting in the rocking chair, cuddling a fussy, feverish baby boy, and I am thankful. I am reminded that he is no longer a baby but already getting close to 2. I am praying over him, hugging him and providing that constant, comforting love that only his mom can give him.

I have the most amazing little boy in my arms tonight and he needs me more than the dishes do or that mountain of laundry. It pains my heart because I'm not sure how many more times I will get to rock this big boy to sleep. I rest my head on his and breathe deep that heavenly smell. There is nothing like it. We are all wrapped up in his favorite three blankets, and he is unconsciously twirling the hair at his crown. His other hand is firmly holding mine. Every once in a while, he sucks his soother loudly and stretches. These moments are pure joy.

As I quietly go and lay him in his crib, he rouses enough to open his eyes and reach out his pointer finger, wanting me to touch his with mine. It's our way of saying "I love you".

This is motherhood. This is my life. This is joy. 

Proof I have three children

Kinda felt bad I spent a week working on a blog post all about Eli and didn't mention these two kiddos. When I was younger and dreamt of having children, I had no idea it would be this good.

 Nothing but love.

 

There. I feel much better. Don't you?

18 months

My sweet, sweet boy is 18 months old. 18 months! When did that happen?

When I was messaging a photographer about doing his 18 month shoot, she asked the simple question, "Well, what's he in to right now?"

Well let's see. His favorite activities include biting the tips off of any and all markers, eating and spilling his snack at an astonishing rate, running around like a monkey on crack, climbing furniture, turning on the taps in the bathroom, grabbing pots and pans and creating "music", screaming for no apparent reason, attempting to carry things that are far too heavy and getting frustrated when that doesn't work, and pinching my inner thighs.

Things I want to remember about you, dear sweet boy, at 18 months. Judging how fast the past few months have flown by, soon I'll be writing a post about your second birthday, third birthday, and seventh.

1. You love your soother. You'd gladly use it all day long, except you have a mean mom who takes it away all the time.

2. You still take a morning nap at daycare and an afternoon nap, yet still go to bed at 7 p.m. Keep it up, buddy!

3. When going to sleep, we have a pretty good routine. Bath and toothbrush chewing, a cup of warm milk and cuddles in the rocking chair.

4. You insist that we sing the ABCs at least three times when we are snuggling in the rocking chair. We have the alphabet on the wall in your room, and you point to the wall and move your hand back from side to side. If I try to sing a different song, you'll sign even faster and add the sign for please. It's always the ABCs, nothing else is ever allowed. Even today, I was changing your diaper in the living room and you started pointing and moving your arm side to side when I was singing "Jesus Loves Me" even though there was no alphabet to be seen.

5. At 18 months, you really don't say much. You can say "mama" but you really don't. You can say yuck" but it comes out "guck". You say this weird sounding "yah" for yes, but most of the time, you sign. Please, thank you, yes, up, bubye, more, blows kisses are all signs you use often. You also touch pointer finger tips with someone when you want to say "I love you."

6. You love your daddy. Sure, you love mommy too, but daddy is definitely your favourite!

7. You are a good eater. Your favourite foods include rice krispies, grilled cheese sandwiches and meat - steak and roast and pretty much anything. You love to feed Sophie by throwing handfuls of your food off your tray.

8. You are freakishly good at feeding yourself. You insist on using spoons and forks. I can't remember the last time we've ever spoon fed you anything. It's been months and months!

9. You've developed a habit of playing with your hair. I think it started as self-soothing when you were falling asleep, but now you do it throughout the day too. You will play with the back but you prefer to play with the hair on your crown. You only like you do this though, if I try, you get mad and push my hand away.

10. You LOVE to bug your brother. Pair this with the fact that you are kind of a bully and it is hilarious to watch. Gavin will be playing so nicely with his toys and you will run up and grab one of his toys and as fast as you can, run to the baby gate and throw his toy down the stairs. I can't wait to see what kind of fun you two will have together!

11. As much as you bug them, you love your siblings. You love giving hugs and kisses and will sit and cuddle Chelsea (Gavin usually doesn't let you close enough ;) If one of them is crying, chances are you will start too. Chelsea feels really connected to you and if you are crying, 90% of the time, she'll start crying too just because she can't handle when you are sad.

12. You are so busy. I wish that was an exaggeration, but you really don't sit still long. I yearn for the day when you will actually sit and watch a 20 minute cartoon so that I can have some peace! You are always on the go, usually making a mess. You like to randomly open drawers and cupboards and empty the contents out on the floor, then walk away. I'm thinking this is fun for you, but not so much for mama.

13. You have 11 teeth, with the 12th just cutting through. You got 7 teeth in the month of December. It was rough... rough, but we survived!

14. You are fascinated with the goings on in the kitchen. You love watching me cook and are usually found with your face pressed against the oven, watching whatever bake. You make cooking pretty difficult, as I have to hold you on my hip and do most things one-handed, but it's so neat to see you handing me the right utensils and the oven mitts when needed.

15. You like being outside, which is a relief. Gavin despises being outside, so I'm glad that you are following in Chelsea's footprints. The other day, you even grabbed a shovel and helped me shovel the driveway. It was terribly cute.

16. Bath time isn't your favourite, when you are by yourself. Throw a sibling or two in the water and you are in heaven. Not that you really play with them, but you enjoy tipping their toys into the water and listening to them scream. You also think it's funny to crawl all over them and it's nice to have a few extra hands to catch you when you fall.

17. I have a feeling you are going to be like me with your intense dislike for socks. Chelsea and I both hate wearing socks, while Chris and Gavin could wear them 24/7. If we don't have your Robeez booties on, you are always trying to pull off your socks and getting frustrated when they stay on. I hear you buddy and in the summer, you can go barefoot all you want!

18. You are already fascinated with the potty and know that "yuck" goes in the potty. You will grab at your diaper and say, "yuck, yuck" and go into the bathroom and take out your potty seat so I have some high hopes that soon you'll be on your way to being potty trained. It helps that you have older siblings who allow you to sit on a stool in the bathroom while they do their business. You are a fast learner and always want to be doing what the big kids do!

 Eli Robert, I love you so much. Thanks for being you, dude. You are such a perfect fit into our family.