Greatest Fear

One of my friends often says that she's never felt more guilt than she does when it comes to being a mother (or something like that - I am sure she says it more eloquently.) I'm finding this to be more true with every day that I am a mother.

At the end of the day, I question myself as the day plays over in my mind. Did I spend enough qulaity time with Chelsea or was I just killing time? Did I act and speak with kindness and patience? Did I make the right decisions in response to her actions? Did I show her how overwhelming my love for her really is? Did I do this? Did I do that?

Often, I don't think I did too badly. Not to "toot my own horn" but I think I'm a pretty good mother. (You know, except for the day she burned herself, oh and the day she fell at my feet and bruised her head, oh and when she was reaching for me and I moved and she fell and banged her nose... other than that, I'm great. ;) ) I try every day to cherish the moments and time that I have with her because soon I won't be home with her all day. And she is growing up so fast that I realize I won't ever have this time with her again. I think that when it comes to being a mother, and the things I can control, I have chosen wisely.

But what about those things that are out of your hands? Those things that you cannot control no matter how hard you try?

When I was pregnant, I always had a fear that my baby wouldn't be perfect. When I thought of Chris and I creating a child, all of our flaws seemed to loom over this unborn baby. I envisioned a baby with a strawberry birthmark like her mom, only instead of on her back, it was on her face. I had fears of a baby with a huge head like her dad, a nose like her grandma (sorry mom!), or a baby covered with hair. I feared the unknown and these fears were irrational, I know. I knew that I would love that baby no matter what, but I really did want her to be cute. When Chelsea was brought to me and I saw her for the first time, all those fears vanished. She really was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. (It's okay for you to admit too.) See? Adorable!
But now, how do you deal with things that are beyond your control? Today, we took Chelsea to the doctor because her eye was weeping pus. (Gross, I know.) Turns out because of her cold, her tear duct is infected. The doctor said if it doesn't clear up in a few weeks, she might need a surgery to correct it. He said that most of the time, the antibiotics will fix the problem. (No worries - right away I declared that Chelsea would NOT need the surgery. I know the power of words.) But then he looked in her ears. About 10 days ago, the doctor told us her ear drums looked red. Today he said there was fluid behind there. He asked us to make an appointment in 3 weeks time to get her ears checked again.

Fear. Guilt. More fear. More guilt. Anyone who knows me knows of my ear/hearing problems. Chris also had the same thing when he was growing up. Have we somehow managed to pass on a weak gene to Chelsea with regards to her ears? I pray (and declare) right now that Chelsea will not have ear problems. Her ears will be healthy.

But in the back of my mind looms the evil "what if?" thoughts. It wouldn't be the end of the world, but it really does make you wonder which traits were genetically passed on.

The only thing we can do is wait and pray and see what shows up. That's part of the excitement of motherhood, isn't it? Watching the unknown become known. Watching your child develop into a little person with his or her own thoughts and personality. Watching to see how tall she grows, who she looks like, what colour her hair will be, and so on.

All I know for now is that she is an amazing little girl and having her has changed the way I look at and live my life.

So guilt, be gone. Fear - leave. I want to replace guilt and fear with peace and joy. I am a good mother to a wonderful little girl.