- I'm not who I used to be. I'm not who you want me to be. I'm not who I should be. I'm not even sure who I am.
- Last year, a few things happened around the same time that really hurt me to the core. This shook my self confidence and it's only slowly starting to rebuild. Please have patience.
- I'm tired of guilt trips. I'm taking care of me and my family right now. No guilt allowed.
- I'm missing someone who I was once very close to and our friendship that we shared years ago. You were one of the few people who ever really understood me and loved me for who I am. I miss that oh so much.
- I'm not losing weight for you, or you, or even you. I need to get healthy and being this overweight isn't healthy. Why can't you understand this? Why does this even concern you?
- I feel lonely. I want to feel needed and wanted. I want the phone to ring and someone to be there who just wants to talk. I want to be someone's best friend again.
- Because of the weight gain from pregnancy, I don't have a lot of clothes that fit well. I'd do almost anything for a good fitting pair of jeans and a fall jacket.
- Lately I wonder if something is wrong with my mind. I feel like I am losing my memory and memories. I have a hard time remembering things from childhood or even university. I can't explain it, but it scares me.
- I didn't have friends in grades 7&8. I used to hide in bathroom stalls during recess or run to my Grandma's house at lunch to avoid being alone. These were horrible years for me and although I eventually went on to have great friends in highschool and beyond, I still often feel like that girl sitting on the edge of the playground, dying to be asked to join in.
- I have a hard time spending money on clothes for myself. I tried caring about brand names when I was in highschool so I'd fit in, then realized that deep down I really didn't care. All through university, I didn't care about brand names. I still don't care. If I think it fits well and looks good, I'm going to buy it. Even if it's only $7 from Wal-mart.
- I like wearing fleece. I wear running shoes in the house. I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl and I hate the feeling of sleeves on my arms. I always have my toenails painted and I love my wedding rings.
- I wish I could say that I don't care what people think of me, but I can't. I really do care. I do care what people think about me and that sucks. I always feel like I'm being judged and coming up just a little bit short. I don't like this about myself, but I don't know how to let it go.
- Although this post might not seem like it, I am mostly happy right now. I may not like how I look, but I am healthy and have two wonderful children and a husband who loves me beyond comprehension. I adore my kids and love spending time with them. Without them, I would be lost.
I wonder sometimes if most women feel like the way you describe. I use to think it was just me, but in the last few months the more women I have deep, heart-felt conversation with the more this theme emerges. Part of what makes most of us tick is wanting to be adored, wanting to be needed by many.
ReplyDeleteI wish we still lived closer. I think you are pretty awesome. I am very thankful for the hand of friendship you extended to me throughout the last 4 years.
I admire your determination to keep on the fight to optimized health
I pray that God may hold you close and that he may show you how much you are loved, and that he may put some new friends in your life that can fill the loss of old ones.
Peace be with you....
ReplyDeleteI hear you, Amanda. And as far as the memory loss goes...after I had Tyrel I was pretty sure I had early-onset of Alzheimer's. Turned out it was just post-pregnancy stupidity. You're gonna be all right :)
ReplyDeleteI also think alot of woman feel like this as well Amanda.
ReplyDeleteWe all have so many struggles in our lives and i know i've had struggles in my past as well.
I just want you to know that i love you lots and i enjoy being friends with you! I'm not your friend to judge you or make you feel little...i love you for who you are and i hope that you feel the same about me cause i am not at all close to perfect....lol
Happy Thanksgiving!!
I am thankful for your friendship and blessed to be a part of your life!
I am exactly where you are! It feels like i've fallen in a pit and am having a hard time finding my footing to climb out.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel and you are not alone.
You are not alone!
I just joined a bible study. They meet every other tuesday. We are studying the book of Esther. It's tough being a woman. I'm praying God will speak to me through this study.
Jen R
you are WAY to hard on yourself! you are a good person just the way you are!! sometimes you have to be the one to reach out.. other people may not get it :)
ReplyDeleteYou hit the nail on the head. Good for you for having the courage to post about it.
ReplyDeleteI have issues with my thyroid and pituitary that caused me to have memory loss, weight gain, and much more that my doctor hasn't even acknowledged. It is very painful... to see how people look at me. I have been going to a prayer ministry called Let Go Let God and my memory is now back ~ praise the Lord. I'm still working on the weight but I have faith that it will come with time.
Yours will too! But, for now ... know that you are loved, you are cared for, you are valuable. You are the daugther of THE King.
Even tho I never met you. You seem like a sweet honest person anyhow. I do know one thing. YOU MAKE DARN GOOD CAKES!!!!! Don't ever forget! THEY ROCK!!
ReplyDeleteI read and enjoy your blog but have never commented before today..but this post is so real and so touching I had to say hello :) It is amazing how the need for genuine friendship never goes away no matter how old we get. They do however get harder to maintain as I get older and life gets busier. When we moved here I ate myself up to 221 pounds in my loneliness for friends. Slowly and sometimes painfully I have forged a few great frineds and many more casual frineds I love to hang with. And in the spirit of full disclosure I have thought of ways to introduce myself to you through Andrea Enns becauase I feel like we would really hit it off and then I could properly thank you for the inspiration you were and are to me in my own weightloss journey! So if you want and it suits i would love to invite you to my house this Sat for a party I am having and mentioned on my blog no pressure and lots of people to chat with! I hope you can make it and if not how do you feel about coffee some evening?
ReplyDeleteWhew...that is hard! lol
Wonderful supportive posts from friends and you are a truly wonderful person I admire and love.
ReplyDeleteIt is a hard time for you right now, I know but you are a wonderful mom and daughter. Eva's comment fits right in with some things we have talked about. Talk to you soon
Amanda,
ReplyDeleteit is refreshing how honest you are. Thanks for sharing... you are not alone in a lot of what you shared. not alone at all.
Love Crystal
I didn't comment at first because I didn't know what to say. When I first saw your blog title, I thought it was cool 'cause that's what I commented about your last post. Then I read it, and have no idea what to say.
ReplyDeleteI understand your insecurities. You are such an awesome, amazing person (that I am often jealous of - we've talked about that) that I am so grateful to have in my life. Unfortunately I take your presence in my life for granted and I must stop doing that.
You are always there for me, even more so than you realize, and I hope you know that I'm always here for you.
So I secretly read your blog. I check it for new posts almost daily, and apparently I also read your really old posts. I know we don't know each other very well, but I feel like I get you. I feel like we are more similar in the way we view ourselves than I could have ever imagined being with someone whom I hardly know.
ReplyDeleteI too was a MAJOR outcast in junior high and it was extremely hard. I have been hurt more than I thought ever possible by people who were suppose to be my friends and often to this day feel as though some friends say one thing to my face and another behind my back and it hurts.
I admire you for being so open and honest. I wish I could gain the courage to write about myself the way you do.
I also feel as though culturally it has become the norm to not tell a person that you like them or care about them or want to be their friend, or enjoy being their friend (or maybe its just an adult thing). So I like you. I think you are super neat (ya that sounds dorky but I don't care) and I think we could be great friends!
I also want to thank you for holding my sick little Connor at the church banquet. It meant more to me than I know I expressed that night or than I can even express now, but thank you, so very much!
(side note, part of me wonders if you get a notification when someone comments on your old posts or if you will never even read this)