Stay tuned.

So what's up this week?

 

Oh, not much really, except this girl...

is finally going to...

 

 And we are very excited!

We both should be sleeping.

- This guy should be napping, but as you can tell, that's the furthest thing from his mind. I try not to get caught up in all that I could be doing, and thinking about the mountain of laundry that I was going to fold, or the supper I was going to make, and instead just enjoy this guy. He is already getting so big and I am cherishing our cuddle times. He doesn't realize that naptimes are glorious times for mommies. I was just loving on him and he flashed me one of his adorable dimple smiles. Naptime didn't seem quite so important.

 

- I need a trip to David's Tea. I want some of this and this. And this is so pretty. I guess I could place an online order, but that's no where near as much fun as visiting the store!

- I've been talking to an interior designer about paint samples for our house and backsplash tiles for the kitchen. There is even talk about ripping up more carpet! Hoping to nail down choices after the chaos of next week (Kindergarten and preschool starting!)

- Apparently supper just wasn't meant to be on Tuesday. I had a full pan of salsa ranch chicken in the oven and the glass dish just exploded in the oven. I'm super thankful that I didn't have the oven door open when it happened. I was standing at the island and heard a loud bang and then smoke started pouring out of the oven. I opened the door to see chicken, glass, and sauce everywhere in the oven. We still have no idea what happened. The dish had been in the oven for over an hour and a half and was almost ready to come out. The hotdogs we wound up eating were nowhere near as tasty.

- Another school year has started without me at school. This is always a bittersweet feeling. I love the year off I have with my kids, but it's sad to realize that life moves along without you. I'll miss my school and staff this year!

- I really am finishing this post at 5:18am. One of the benefits of breastfeeding and less Facebook time is more blogging time.

-

This guy...

...absolutely rocks my world. His soft, caring, sensitive spirit is balanced out by his need to be heard and therefore he is loud (kinda like his mama). His feelings are easily hurt, but he is quick to laugh and giggle. He loves cuddles and professing his love to mom and dad. He is wicked smart (a blog post to come on that a little later) and loves learning.

I cannot imagine my life without him. This little guy however, gave me the worst scare of my life the other night. We were at Winkler's movie night in the park. We were having a great time with the scores of people packed into the park. It was an awesome night to watch a movie.

If you look closely, you can kind of see us. :)

When the movie was over, we were packing up the blanket, lawnchairs, food, and whatnot and we went to start walking. It was pitch black and crowded and loud. All 5000 people (might be a slight exaggeration) were trying to leave at the same time. I grabbed Chelsea's hand and started pushing the stroller, only to stop when Chris asked, "Where's Gavin?"

I was like, "What do you mean? He's right here..." and he wasn't. He wasn't anywhere to be seen. Please realize it was pitch black and wall to wall people. I had no idea where he was or how on earth we were going to find him. I instantly started to freak out, calling his name and walking in between people and then running back to the stroller (someone was watching C and E for me) and then I'm pretty sure I started to look a little hysterical, calling his name over and over with tears streaming down my face.

It wasn't that I thought he was kidnapped or anything like that, but there were so many people I had no idea how we were going to find him. He could have followed someone to the bathroom, or parking lot or anywhere.

My heart was racing and I was scared. I freely admit I was overreacting. Finally, after what seemed like forever, but in reality was only a few minutes, I see Chris holding Gavin. The little man had run way over to the stage because he wanted to play on it. He had no idea that he had been lost, thank goodness.

He was probably just wondering why his mama was squeezing him and kissing him and crying. Crazy Mama.

We survived! Camping 2012

I grew up camping. I loved it. Chris has camped in the past and he liked it. So last year, when the opportunity presented itself, we bought my parents' camper. We were very excited to use it this summer, however, we weren't able to use it very much because the wonderful Eli joined our family in July. We decided we probably wouldn't be hauling out the camper this summer. 

However, on Friday night, my friend, (I think jokingly) suggested that we book a site at Grand Beach as there were some left and they were going to go tenting. Since I'm recovered and feeling great, Eli is a happy baby and we hadn't had the chance to use the camper yet, we decided to give it a try. Seriously, Friday night we booked a campsite and we left Saturday morning at two.

Please keep in mind that:

 a) Chris and I have never camped alone before. 

 b) We have not used the camper this year.

 c) We've actually never used this camper, ever.

 d) We have three children.

 e) We've never been to this campground before.

 f) We gave ourselves only hours notice to prepare.

 g) Oh! Did I mention the last time we drove the camper, the truck overheated and we were stranded on the side of the road until help came? 

However, I wrote lists upon lists and did some quick shopping trips Saturday morning, quickly filling the camper with all that we thought we would need and we did it. 

I do have to chuckle that our ensemble is straight out of the 80s...

We got to the campsite Saturday night around 6, I think. Eli was more than happy to hang out in his chair while we were getting set up. Honestly, the baby was way less work than the 3 and 5 year olds!

 Chelsea was pretty pumped to finally be going camping.

 Here are the boys, doing my favourite camping activity, hanging out by the fire, you know, in your jammies.

 We were camping at Grand Beach campground, so we took a couple of hours to hit up the soft sands of the beach.

 We played with bubble guns and glow sticks, and ate lots of smokies and marshmallows. Just kidding, we actually were wondering if any other campers packed as many vegetables as ours did. We had marinated veggie salad, cucumber salad, cucumber slices, carrots, celery sticks, asparagus and zuchinni. Yum!

 Of course, the best game would probably not have made Grandpa Jerry very happy, but Gavin LOVED playing with the little sliding door in the screen door. It was used to play restaurant or for helping me whenever we needed something from outside brought inside. Many, many, many times though, Gavin would announce, "I have a problem!" and then go into the camper, only to open the little door and call our names over and over again. It was cute, but annoying, all at the same time.

 I loved how secluded the campsite was. It was very wooded and private. Our bay was really quiet too.

 True confession - I did actually drive the van up, rather than joining Chris in the truck. I wasn't 100% sure the truck wouldn't overheat and it doesn't have air conditioning. I'm pretty much a princess who didn't want to deal with the heat for the drive and having a 7 week old baby, I just felt more comfortable in the van. It was great. The boys slept all the way home, so my drive was pretty peaceful!

Good bye camping. Pretty sure we won't be seeing you again this year, but next year, we'll become good friends!

For "Drama Pat"

Dear "Drrrama",

I heard you were having a bad day. Thought this might make you smile.

Lots of love from your big eyed boy,
Eli

(A bit of a back story - with Gavin in speech, I'm constantly repeating words back to him slowly or just repeating what he says correctly. For example, he'll say, "Mommy - I daw a da" and I'll say, "You ssssaw a dogg" really emphasizing the 's' and 'g'" Well, my mom had picked up on this and it was late one night and somehow she wound up correcting Gavin's pronunciation of Grandma Pat by slowly repeating back "Dddddrama Pat" instead of Ggggrrrrandma. It just made me laugh so hard. Typing it out, it isn't nearly as funny. Guess you had to be there.)

What he hears...

So today, Gavin and I were driving home and our conversation went like this.
"Hey buddy. What do you want for nightsnack when we get home?"

"Umm cornpops!"

"Sure. Will you want plain cornpops or with milk?"

"Ooooh I want plain!"

So we get home and I hand him his bowl of dry cornpops.

"Awww. These are circles. I wanted plain."

"Gavin, they are plain. See? No milk."

"Oh. I thought you meant PLANE cornpops. Like airplane!"

Too busy?

- I've been consciously "making time" for my kids and Chris. I am way too "busy" and I don't ever want my kids to feel what they are saying or doing isn't important. I need to stop worrying so much about getting this and that done and spend more time with my kids, simply enjoying them.

- Being at home a lot this summer has messed up my priorities. I was kind of feeling stuck and trapped, and was spending even more time on Facebook as my way out. I hate looking back and thinking of times when I told Chelsea to wait "just a second" because I was on the computer or my phone. I read this on someone's blog today, "Facebook was a time waste for me, and reading the news feed was toxic to my thoughts." AMEN. I find that right now, when my self esteem is at it's lowest and I'm already dealing with thoughts of inadequacy, Facebook just made me feel even lower. My kids watch tv, my daughter plays wii, my son plays Nintendo, I don't do tons of fun crafts, I haven't canned anything EVER, I rarely bake, my son drinks juice, I don't get to go on tons of super fun dates with my husband, I am not a Starbucks/Jonny's addict, I'm not exercising... I was just constantly comparing myself and my life to others and felt like a failure. It's nothing that they were doing, but it's where I'm at. So I went through and hid A LOT of people on my newsfeed. Now it's just a few close friends that show up, so this will hopefully help me and limit the amount of time I waste on there!

- This week has been a hard one for me. I'm struggling because I don't have a family doctor anymore and I realized that between his one month and 6 week checkup, Eli only gained 6 oz. That is not enough. The doctor never said anything and I didn't bring it up because I only realized it when I got home. I'm pretty sure it's because during the day when I'm home alone, Eli's feedings are quick and/or interrupted because of the other two children. I'm pretty sure this boy has learned to be content with short feedings. He'd also rather sleep than work at nursing and I was so busy and distracted that I guess I wasn't paying proper attention. This week, I spent a lot more time quietly nursing him, one side only each feed, so that he would get the good, fatty, hind milk. He's gone from getting up 2-3 times a night to once, so I'm hoping things are going better. I'm taking him in to be weighed tomorrow so I'm hoping for a big number so that my mama guilt can decrease. Plus, I want a chubby babe. ;)

 - I am also really starting to make an effort again to reconnect and stay connected with friends. We are all so busy that sometimes it's difficult to make time, but it's so important. Honestly, most nights (and heck, all day long), I'd rather stay in my house in my comfy clothes and my undone hair and makeup then get all done up to go out, but I miss feeling loved and connected. I want to have more tea dates and time with friends, and so I have to start reaching out more. I struggle with feeling like I'm always doing the inviting, but I just have to let it go. I want to surround myself with good people.

- I want to hug more. Hugs are awesome.

- I need to relax and breathe more. Savour the moments. I used the phrase "I see you and I hear you" to Chelsea a few times this week. I want her to know that she is so important and valued. Lately we haven't been getting along the greatest and I know it's my fault. I'm always striving to be a better mom. I've only got one chance and I want to do it right.

 

- Because Chris was home today, I was able to take a few hours just to enjoy Eli. He is growing up so fast and it seems I rarely get the time to really enjoy him. Today with him was a gift. He's going through a growth spurt (and finally getting some good milk I guess) and so all he does is eat and sleep. Today I took the time to study all his amazing features and absorb his baby smell. I love smelling the top of his head and the crook of his neck. Mmm babyloves.

 

So this week, I challenge you. Stop. Enjoy. Cherish. And reach out to a friend. Invite them for tea. Make them feel loved. It really is a lovely thing.

Shopping, Amanda Style.

Yesterday we decided to spontaneously go shopping in Winnipeg. It seems over the summer, Chelsea grew - a lot. We needed to update her wardrobe and buy her a few things for school. We dropped off Gavin for the day (he would have hated shopping) and set off for Winnipeg. I told Chris that I would be hitting up Value Village and Salvation Army first, hoping to get a few things so that we didn't have to spend a ton of money on new clothes.

Now please don't get me wrong - I love my daughter to be pretty and wear nice things, but if I can get them second-hand I will. She is so rough and tough on her clothes that I don't want to panic when I see her with holes in her knees, grass stains or tears from getting caught on something. Add in some dropped pomegrante seeds and a spilled orange crush every now and then... I just can't do it. One time, she begged me to buy her these fancy sweat pants (oxymoron, perhaps?) from Joe. They were $27. I almost had a heart attack. $27 for a pair of sweats? But, I did buy them, probably because I felt so guilty that she always has used clothes.

That night, I kid you not, she showed me where they had ripped and snagged on the playstructure. Sigh.

Anyways, that was a nice little rabbit trail we went down there.. Back to Winnipeg.

We scored big time. My husband didn't even mind the time spent at VV. Granted, I didn't look at kids books (that usually takes me a good hour), but I simply focused on clothes for Chelsea. Not really even Gavin or Eli. I was on a mission.

And we succeeded. We bought all this (and more that isn't pictured - but that's all puzzles and such) for about $225. It's mostly size 7 (what she is in now or will be by next week, and some size 8 to pack away for when we need them.) It is a ridiculous amount of clothes.

Here's the breakdown. I probably should have stopped and counted what we had bought. We now have a lot of clothes!!
9 pairs of jeans (2 H&M, 1 purple Levi's, 1 OshKosh, and 4 Old Navy)
13 pairs of sweats (4 Joe, 3 Children's Place, 4 still new with tags)
3 sweaters (all Gap)
2 skirts (Children's Place)
1 night gown
1 splash pants (MEC)
10 dresses (1 H&M, 2 Children's Place, 1 Gymboree, 3 Old Navy, 1 Gap)
16 tshirts (5 Children's Place and 3 Old Navy)
Hat
Plus toe socks and crocs...

...rollerblades, crocs for Eli and Gavin, 2 pairs of rubbers, a pekkle sleeper, 4 puzzles, some building toys, hot wheels cars and some bird ornaments.

We did hit up Old Navy for socks and underwear (no worries - those I always buy new) and a cute owl romper for Baby EY, Payless for indoor shoes for Chelsea and The Gap for a blue sparkly backpack for Kindergarten.

Supper at Montana's and our day was complete!

(learning to play tic-tac-toe)

Oh and thanks to a friend sharing a picture on FB, we now own this beast...

Good, good day!

 

MIA

I realize it's been oddly quiet. I haven't necessarily been busy, but I've been occupied. It's hard to blog when your arms are full of baby.

Stinkers, he is cute though. We are slowly getting into a routine. Some days are better than others. I did manage to find some time the past few days to stain our playstructure, and get a snazzy new tarp top. The old one was shredded and faded and gross looking. Now the playstructure looks good as new (and kind of blends in with the fence). I could tell you a story about how I wound up spending a whack load of money on stain because I dumped a quart down into the sandbox, but instead I'll leave you with some pictures to admire.

Now, in regards to my last post, a little update... I am doing better. It's rough. Self esteem is pretty non-existant, but I am feeling okay most days. This is my reality and my story at the moment, so I have to start embracing it or I'm going to miss out on those daily moments because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself. And really, look at some of these daily moments. Everything is worth it when I see this little grin...

 

 EY is loved like no other. His sister loves holding him. We are sure going to miss her helping hands when she is in Kindergarten in a few weeks. Kindergarten!! How is she old enough?? 

And I keep thinking how much Eli looks like Gavin as a baby. I wonder how he will look in a few years.

One thing is for sure, Gavin better keep taking his long naps. He usually sleeps from about 1-4. If he starts missing his nap, he's definitely going to miss his sister during the afternoon. These two just love being together.

Alright, there. A post. It's not very substantial, deep, thought provoking or in depth, but it's a post, nonetheless!

I'll be okay.

You know when you read someone's blog and it's all happy, all the time, and you ask yourself, "Is this for real?" Well, usually it's not. Usually there's more going on behind the scenes that we don't like to talk about. We like to appear happy and perfect and shiny.

So here's the "real"... I looked at Chris the other day and asked, "I wonder if this is what depression feels like?" I'm blue. I'm sad. I'm frustrated because I'm blue and sad for no reason. It doesn't have to do with my baby or my kids. I mean, really, look at these faces....

 

The kids are great. I love them with everything in me. I know I'm a great mom. I'm letting go of the mama guilt that tells me I shouldn't let my kids watch this much tv or we should be outside more or we should change out of our jammies everyday.

But yet, I'm just sad. I cry a lot. I'm 90% sure it's just hormones working their way out, but the 10% questions if it is something more. Don't worry - if it doesn't pass, I will talk to someone. I've got a great support system and I am okay, but I'm just sad.

I'm struggling because I am still infected from my c-section which in my head constantly reminds me that I didn't get the birth I wanted. I'm still sore and on my second set of antibiotics and not recovering as fast as I feel I should be. This is frustrating.

Despite eating healthy, I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and now I'm stuck in a body that I don't feel comfortable in. I realize it's only been a month and I did bring a healthy, amazing, wonderful human being into the world, but this is definitely a struggle.  

 I fight that small voice inside my head that whispers lies that I am unworthy, the voice that tells me I should be embarrassed and convinces me to stay home, rather than going out. Home is my safe place. I honestly would love to stay in the house and not leave for days. That same voice tells me that I'm not good enough to be someone's friend.

 But, I fight. I pray. I cry. I talk about it. Oy vey, I talk about it. But I'm not together right now. I'm a million little piece all held together with tape and glue and it doesn't take much for me to come apart. But I'm trying. By writing this, I'm acknowledging that life isn't perfect all the time and that's okay. I'm lucky to have a few friends check in daily and send me lovely texts and listen to me and understand me. I'm blessed to have a husband who cares and loves on me. We have been beyond blessed with meals as we've adjusted to life with a newborn. People are ridiculously kind.

And hopefully, soon, the clouds will break and that blue sky and sunshine will pour into my heart.

Until then, I will pour myself into my children and shower them with the love and kisses that they deserve. They make me better. They are my sunshine right now, when I look at myself and see the clouds. This is the real me, right now.

Time flies

I tried to post these a few days ago, but then blogger had the nerve to tell me that I am out of photo storage space. To make some room, I deleted my Amanda's Creative Cakes blog.

Besides, I'd rather look at cute pictures of my kids any day! Here's my latest monkey.

and my other two monkeys. We were waiting for the parade to start. Yup, my love for parades hasn't changed.

 And I'm very excited to announce the Eli appears to have dimples, just like Gavin.

 It's been almost a month of living with Eli and I can't believe that it's going by so fast.

I am working on a few more blog posts that aren't just pictures of my babies, so stay tuned for something a little more in depth.