Serious post talk now. This post goes deep.
I've been thinking a lot about feelings; when to acknowledge them, when to voice them, and when to just let things be. I think recently I've started to acknowledge and voice my feelings and I'm not sure that it's always the best thing to do - for me, or for others.
When your feelings are hurt by someone close to you, do you just hide that feeling, or do you say, "hey. I'm feeling hurt..." or "when you said/did that, it really hurt me." I'm really good at doing this in my marriage because I know that no matter what, my husband will (and has to!) stay with me. He can't leave me because of my emotions or feelings. We will always persevere and work things out. But I think with certain people, I'm not confident enough to say, "Wow. My feelings hurt." I'm afraid to voice my concerns for fear that they won't be my friends anymore. I know, I know... if that's the case, they aren't worth being friends with... but I think they are. I'm just wondering why all of a sudden, I'm not confident in my relationships??
When I was growing up, it was always a struggle for me to have friends. I'm not sure why... I was very outgoing, not shy. I know all kids get teased, but it really affected my confidence. I remember going to my grandma's for lunch, or reading a book on the corner of the playground or hiding in the bathroom stall just so I wouldn't have to be alone at recess and have people see me.
In grade 9, I made a close group of friends and that was great. Then I started to make more friends and things were fine. But every once in a while, that doubt comes to the surface. That stupid junior high feeling of inadequacy. Why? Why now when, gosh darn it, I'm a great person, does that feeling of just not being good enough have to come back?
Don't get me wrong. I have some AMAZING friends right now that I know God has placed in my life for very definite reasons. These girls are encouraging and welcoming and loving and funny and just all around good times. I have an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally. But I think it's just that I know some friendships have their seasons and they aren't the friendships that stand the test of time. I am just so loyal to my friends and want those friendships to last forever. I still hurt for friends in my past who I'm just not close to anymore. It makes me sad because once we were so close and now we barely, if at all, speak to each other. I know it comes with growing up and changing and that's great, but sometimes, I still mourn for these friendships.
So back to feelings... I like to tell people my feelings. I tell people that I love them, and how awesome they are, and I tell them how I'm feeling, even if I'm hurting or sad. I know they can't fix the situation, but there's just something about putting it out there.
But not everyone likes to hear this... I know it's hard to hear that we've hurt someone in some way, whether it was intentional or not. But I like to tell people so that we can deal with it, clear the air, and become stronger. But what if that isn't how others like to deal with it... what to do... what to do....
Good thought provoking post..
ReplyDeleteI too wonder the same things, though I am not as good at voicing my feelings...even in my marriage. Feelings are not something talked about in my family growing up...at least not the bad ones. This is something I really am working on because I do not want our kid to feel like they can not express themselves even if it is not peachy.
I would say that overall voicing your feelings is very healthy. However, I think as with most things there is a time for everything. Sometimes people just get on your nerves..sometimes people say things that had they said them on a different day they would not have made me mad or hurt and I find that if I react right away it only creates a bigger issue than it really is. I find this even in my marriage, because though he is stuck with me I do not want him to feel as though he has to walk to egg-shells or feel like he does very little right...ya know?
So, I guess what I have been striving for is learning to communicate clearly and honestly but not out of pure emotion or on the spur of the moment.
As far as friends...I hear you..though I always had lots of friends, but moving to Canada has been a whole different story for me. And I have watched as 12 year old relationships have fizzled to nothing, and it for sure is a mourning process, and once that happened with Winnipeg people as well, but God is always faithful to bring the right people at the right time. Though it sometimes does not make it any less painful.
Just my two cents..
Wow. Thanks for your two cents. I love it. My family wasn't big on expressing emotions either, and I think that's why I want to change. Good point about making sure Chris doesn't feel like he's walking on eggshells. I think it's healthy in our relationship to say how we're feeling, but I definitely know that I say it way more than he does.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard when you move. We only moved an hour away and lost pretty much all our friends from Winnipeg. That was really hard and I still mourn some of those friendships. We had such a good thing going on and to leave that all behind was hard.
Thanks for commenting.